So hopefully this week I will be getting to begin my natural products. My 9 year old sister in law is going to be helping, along with my 5 year old son.. Should be interesting.
We will be starting with deodorant and multisurface cleaners! SO excited. Our scents so far for the deodorant, for the people who have ordered is peppermint, citrus, and lavender, so let me know what you want I will be sending your packages on the second or last Friday of the month. We will be using different citrus fruit rinds in the cleaner. Orange is the most effective I've found, but most people prefer lemon, we will also be using grapefruit and lime. It will be made with vinegar, but the smell of vinegar dissipates when it dries and then all that is left is the citrus smell :) I will be listing them on my esty soon, so you haven't already ordered I will post a link in the near future so you can check out the prices.
Like I said super excited!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Zadon AKA Little Snuggler
This is not a funny or interesting, this is just me talking.
Zadon is not my most recent loss. But he is the one on my mind right now.
I have been told;
I have also been told that the person is sorry for my loss. While that may seem innocent enough it grates at me. I don't want your pity. I want your support, with any of my miscarriages. I want a shoulder to cry on a friend to lean on, someone to help me celebrate his life, however short. Some one to just give me a hug and tell me they love me. Especially with Zadon, and my loss immediately after Scootchie Butt's birth, when my husband had gone back to war, after seeing his sweet boy birthed and then us conceiving again within a very short amount of time, and all I had was friends. I was lucky enough to have a friend nearby, who loves me like a sister and whom I could trust. Someone who had been there and knew what I needed to hear. Someone who respected my beliefs and traditions and just generally helped me pull myself from the deep rut that losing my Little Snuggler left me in. She was an amazing help and friend for me, as I hope I have been to her. I never felt free with the pregnancy right after Scootchie Butt to tell people. I was afraid people would be angry, think I had cheated, or just have been relieved to hear I had miscarried.
When I was about 7.5 months pregnant with Scootchie Butt (Zadon's sweet twin) I wrote a letter to him that I will share with you.
Zadon is not my most recent loss. But he is the one on my mind right now.
I have been told;
- I have not grieved him properly. Who are you to say how I should grieve? That is intensely personal and is never up for debate or criticism.
- That god knows what he is doing. I don't believe in the Christian Gad, nor that a deity has any interest in my uterus or what happens inside of it, or even that they are so intensely interested in my life that they would take my child from me.
- That it was for the best. My childs death was for the best? Really?
- Twins are hard to handle anyway. Seriously? Do you really think that I care about the extra sleep deprivation when I am mourning my baby?
- That I will understand one day. I don't want to understand, now or any other day, I just want my baby.
I have also been told that the person is sorry for my loss. While that may seem innocent enough it grates at me. I don't want your pity. I want your support, with any of my miscarriages. I want a shoulder to cry on a friend to lean on, someone to help me celebrate his life, however short. Some one to just give me a hug and tell me they love me. Especially with Zadon, and my loss immediately after Scootchie Butt's birth, when my husband had gone back to war, after seeing his sweet boy birthed and then us conceiving again within a very short amount of time, and all I had was friends. I was lucky enough to have a friend nearby, who loves me like a sister and whom I could trust. Someone who had been there and knew what I needed to hear. Someone who respected my beliefs and traditions and just generally helped me pull myself from the deep rut that losing my Little Snuggler left me in. She was an amazing help and friend for me, as I hope I have been to her. I never felt free with the pregnancy right after Scootchie Butt to tell people. I was afraid people would be angry, think I had cheated, or just have been relieved to hear I had miscarried.
When I was about 7.5 months pregnant with Scootchie Butt (Zadon's sweet twin) I wrote a letter to him that I will share with you.
Sweet baby Zadon,
Za, you are in my thoughts tonight so much more than I have allowed you in these past few weeks. I know nothing could have been done to protect you and keep you though I wish I could have. I know you will guide your brother until it is time for you to be reborn. I hope the life you find is one that is full of happiness and joy. My body has taken care of what remains of your earthly vessel, I will have nothing to hold, nothing to kiss, to say goodbye to, and that is hard, but in some ways better. I will also have nothing to bury and leave or cremate and cling to. In some ways Za, I know I am just not meant to be your mommy, that my body wasn't strong enough to hold you along with your brother and while this is simply the way I was built and not my fault, I sometimes feel like a failure. It is hard to celebrate your brother and mourn you. I wish I was strong enough to simply celebrate the brief bit of life I was allowed to experience with you. I felt you move and I saw you grow, and then you were gone and I don't know why, and it's cruel. I'm not quite ready to release you just yet, please baby guide me to the peace I need and watch over your brothers during this time, and when you live again, remember that no matter what you are loved.
Your mommy
There are many things you can say to me, and many things you shouldn't say. The best thing to do is ask about him(all of them really) when I talk about them, DON'T tell me you are sorry(I don't want your pity), tell me you are here for me and then actually be there for me. DON'T go all blank faced and stop talking until I feel I must change the subject. DON'T change the subject. DON'T treat me like an invalid. DON'T compare your miscarriage to mine or say "well at least".. blah blah blah.
Just love me and support me, as you would expect me to do for you.
Za, you are in my thoughts tonight so much more than I have allowed you in these past few weeks. I know nothing could have been done to protect you and keep you though I wish I could have. I know you will guide your brother until it is time for you to be reborn. I hope the life you find is one that is full of happiness and joy. My body has taken care of what remains of your earthly vessel, I will have nothing to hold, nothing to kiss, to say goodbye to, and that is hard, but in some ways better. I will also have nothing to bury and leave or cremate and cling to. In some ways Za, I know I am just not meant to be your mommy, that my body wasn't strong enough to hold you along with your brother and while this is simply the way I was built and not my fault, I sometimes feel like a failure. It is hard to celebrate your brother and mourn you. I wish I was strong enough to simply celebrate the brief bit of life I was allowed to experience with you. I felt you move and I saw you grow, and then you were gone and I don't know why, and it's cruel. I'm not quite ready to release you just yet, please baby guide me to the peace I need and watch over your brothers during this time, and when you live again, remember that no matter what you are loved.
Your mommy
There are many things you can say to me, and many things you shouldn't say. The best thing to do is ask about him(all of them really) when I talk about them, DON'T tell me you are sorry(I don't want your pity), tell me you are here for me and then actually be there for me. DON'T go all blank faced and stop talking until I feel I must change the subject. DON'T change the subject. DON'T treat me like an invalid. DON'T compare your miscarriage to mine or say "well at least".. blah blah blah.
Just love me and support me, as you would expect me to do for you.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Ride or Wipeout
My marriage... how do I begin to explain it... Maturing? We are learning to work with one another rather than against each other. Loving someone with everything you are is hard. It takes a toll on your heart and mind, especially when that relationship is in a hard time. When the people in it are changing or have gone through such drastic things.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. My husband is a soldier. We both have a bit of PTSD that manifests in insomnia, short tempers, memory loss, and nightmares. Try as we might we sometimes become combatants within our marriage, fighting against ourselves and not reaching out for help. Often times, at the same time, pushing the other away while trying to deal with the things we have lived through. It's a normal reaction, neither of us can fully relate or understand what the other has gone through or is now experiencing. But it's not beneficial, it strains at the other, we begin to feel not needed and then completely unwanted by the other. It's nerve wracking to think that your partner not only doesn't need you, they don't WANT you. We don't chose our words carefully and say angry things. We raise our voices and often become near violent, sometimes our walls suffer a fist (or cell phone) throw. And we feel that it isn't working.
I tell you this not to put my personal life on blast, but to let you know. You are NOT alone. Your marriage CAN survive. There IS light after the storm. Happiness and peacefulness CAN be attained. Perhaps through your religion or spirituality, or perhaps through mediation with a couples therapist. The main keys are trust and gentle conversation.
We have sought help and it got us no where but more arguments and angry words spoken and regretted. We finally realized that if we were going to make this work we both had to want to work as hard as we could for one another. To become partners instead of spouses. To us the distinction is that a spouse is reliant on the other for an identity. (Mrs. Babb and such) But a partner is equal. That's how we feel about it anyway. I realized I have to do something other than raise our children, not just for him, but for myself. And he realized that if he treated me like one of his children I would become one of his children in his mind, and he would begin to attempt to parent me. Ask my mother how well that went when I was only an impressionable child. Not well. For either of them.
So I've began the process of becoming a doula and a CCST (certified car seat tech). I am also beginning college in the fall. He has chose to remember that I am an adult with my own thoughts and my own agenda and he can either support me or get out of my way. (His words) That I no longer need a parent and holding my hand through everything only handicaps me. While he must be there for me when I ask, he doesn't have to do things for me. I like instruction, but that doesn't mean I need to be SHOWN how to do things every time. Be clear, be decisive, and let me do it.
Moral of the story. Marriage is supposed to change when the people in it do. It's not a rock, it is the waves. You can either ride it and come out shining or you can completely wipe out. And it's your choice.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. My husband is a soldier. We both have a bit of PTSD that manifests in insomnia, short tempers, memory loss, and nightmares. Try as we might we sometimes become combatants within our marriage, fighting against ourselves and not reaching out for help. Often times, at the same time, pushing the other away while trying to deal with the things we have lived through. It's a normal reaction, neither of us can fully relate or understand what the other has gone through or is now experiencing. But it's not beneficial, it strains at the other, we begin to feel not needed and then completely unwanted by the other. It's nerve wracking to think that your partner not only doesn't need you, they don't WANT you. We don't chose our words carefully and say angry things. We raise our voices and often become near violent, sometimes our walls suffer a fist (or cell phone) throw. And we feel that it isn't working.
I tell you this not to put my personal life on blast, but to let you know. You are NOT alone. Your marriage CAN survive. There IS light after the storm. Happiness and peacefulness CAN be attained. Perhaps through your religion or spirituality, or perhaps through mediation with a couples therapist. The main keys are trust and gentle conversation.
We have sought help and it got us no where but more arguments and angry words spoken and regretted. We finally realized that if we were going to make this work we both had to want to work as hard as we could for one another. To become partners instead of spouses. To us the distinction is that a spouse is reliant on the other for an identity. (Mrs. Babb and such) But a partner is equal. That's how we feel about it anyway. I realized I have to do something other than raise our children, not just for him, but for myself. And he realized that if he treated me like one of his children I would become one of his children in his mind, and he would begin to attempt to parent me. Ask my mother how well that went when I was only an impressionable child. Not well. For either of them.
So I've began the process of becoming a doula and a CCST (certified car seat tech). I am also beginning college in the fall. He has chose to remember that I am an adult with my own thoughts and my own agenda and he can either support me or get out of my way. (His words) That I no longer need a parent and holding my hand through everything only handicaps me. While he must be there for me when I ask, he doesn't have to do things for me. I like instruction, but that doesn't mean I need to be SHOWN how to do things every time. Be clear, be decisive, and let me do it.
Moral of the story. Marriage is supposed to change when the people in it do. It's not a rock, it is the waves. You can either ride it and come out shining or you can completely wipe out. And it's your choice.
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