Ride or Wipeout

My marriage... how do I begin to explain it... Maturing? We are learning to work with one another rather than against each other. Loving someone with everything you are is hard. It takes a toll on your heart and mind, especially when that relationship is in a hard time. When the people in it are changing or have gone through such drastic things.

I am a sexual abuse survivor. My husband is a soldier. We both have a bit of PTSD that manifests in insomnia, short tempers, memory loss, and nightmares. Try as we might we sometimes become combatants within our marriage, fighting against ourselves and not reaching out for help. Often times, at the same time, pushing the other away while trying to deal with the things we have lived through. It's a normal reaction, neither of us can fully relate or understand what the other has gone through or is now experiencing. But it's not beneficial, it strains at the other, we begin to feel not needed and then completely unwanted by the other. It's nerve wracking to think that your partner not only doesn't need you, they don't WANT you. We don't chose our words carefully and say angry things. We raise our voices and often become near violent, sometimes our walls suffer a fist (or cell phone) throw. And we feel that it isn't working.

I tell you this not to put my personal life on blast, but to let you know. You are NOT alone. Your marriage CAN survive. There IS light after the storm. Happiness and peacefulness CAN be attained. Perhaps through your religion or spirituality, or perhaps through mediation with a couples therapist. The main keys are trust and gentle conversation.

We have sought help and it got us no where but more arguments and angry words spoken and regretted. We finally realized that if we were going to make this work we both had to want to work as hard as we could for one another. To become partners instead of spouses. To us the distinction is that a spouse is reliant on the other for an identity. (Mrs. Babb and such) But a partner is equal. That's how we feel about it anyway. I realized I have to do something other than raise our children, not just for him, but for myself. And he realized that if he treated me like one of his children I would become one of his children in his mind, and he would begin to attempt to parent me. Ask my mother how well that went when I was only an impressionable child. Not well. For either of them.

So I've began the process of becoming a doula and a CCST (certified car seat tech). I am also beginning college in the fall. He has chose to remember that I am an adult with my own thoughts and my own agenda and he can either support me or get out of my way. (His words) That I no longer need a parent and holding my hand through everything only handicaps me. While he must be there for me when I ask, he doesn't have to do things for me. I like instruction, but that doesn't mean I need to be SHOWN how to do things every time. Be clear, be decisive, and let me do it.

Moral of the story. Marriage is supposed to change when the people in it do. It's not a rock, it is the waves. You can either ride it and come out shining or you can completely wipe out. And it's your choice.