Zadon AKA Little Snuggler

This is not a funny or interesting, this is just me talking.

Zadon is not my most recent loss. But he is the one on my mind right now.

I have been told;

• I have not grieved him properly.  Who are you to say how I should grieve? That is intensely personal and is never up for debate or criticism.

•  That god knows what he is doing. I don't believe in the Christian Gad, nor that a deity has any interest in my uterus or what happens inside of it, or even that they are so intensely interested in my life that they would take my child from me.

•  That it was for the best. My childs death was for the best? Really?

•  Twins are hard to handle anyway. Seriously? Do you really think that I care about the extra sleep deprivation when I am mourning my baby?
  

•  That I will understand one day. I don't want to understand, now or any other day, I just want my baby.

and many many more things.

I have also been told that the person is sorry for my loss. While that may seem innocent enough it grates at me. I don't want your pity. I want your support, with any of my miscarriages. I want a shoulder to cry on a friend to lean on, someone to help me celebrate his life, however short. Some one to just give me a hug and tell me they love me. Especially with Zadon, and my loss immediately after Scootchie Butt's birth, when my husband had gone back to war, after seeing his sweet boy birthed and then us conceiving again within a very short amount of time, and all I had was friends. I was lucky enough to have a friend nearby, who loves me like a sister and whom I could trust. Someone who had been there and knew what I needed to hear. Someone who respected my beliefs and traditions and just generally helped me pull myself from the deep rut that losing my Little Snuggler left me in. She was an amazing help and friend for me, as I hope I have been to her. I never felt free with the pregnancy right after Scootchie Butt to tell people. I was afraid people would be angry, think I had cheated, or just have been relieved to hear I had miscarried.

When I was about 7.5 months pregnant with Scootchie Butt (Zadon's sweet twin) I wrote a letter to him that I will share with you.

Sweet baby Zadon,
Za, you are in my thoughts tonight so much more than I have allowed you in these past few weeks. I know nothing could have been done to protect you and keep you though I wish I could have. I know you will guide your brother until it is time for you to be reborn. I hope the life you find is one that is full of happiness and joy. My body has taken care of what remains of your earthly vessel, I will have nothing to hold, nothing to kiss, to say goodbye to, and that is hard, but in some ways better. I will also have nothing to bury and leave or cremate and cling to. In some ways Za, I know I am just not meant to be your mommy, that my body wasn't strong enough to hold you along with your brother and while this is simply the way I was built and not my fault, I sometimes feel like a failure. It is hard to celebrate your brother and mourn you. I wish I was strong enough to simply celebrate the brief bit of life I was allowed to experience with you. I felt you move and I saw you grow, and then you were gone and I don't know why, and it's cruel. I'm not quite ready to release you just yet, please baby guide me to the peace I need and watch over your brothers during this time, and when you live again, remember that no matter what you are loved.
Your mommy


There are many things you can say to me, and many things you shouldn't say. The best thing to do is ask about him(all of them really) when I talk about them, DON'T tell me you are sorry(I don't want your pity), tell me you are here for me and then actually be there for me. DON'T go all blank faced and stop talking until I feel I must change the subject. DON'T change the subject. DON'T treat me like an invalid. DON'T compare your miscarriage to mine or say "well at least".. blah blah blah.

Just love me and support me, as you would expect me to do for you.